Discombobulated

Well the end of the world is near Heff and Crystal called things off, her decision. I am so sad; if those two could not make how can anyone make it? Seriously I am glad she called it off, I always felt like she was using him. I like Heff, I know that is odd, but I really do, I think he deserves to be with someone who loves him for himself, not his money or how he can further their career. Good luck Heff, I hope you find someone to spend your remaining time on earth with.
I am still sick, I would still pay someone to take care of me, and I cannot get rid of the cough or the congestion. I am going to call the doctor back today. I hate being sick, I am so very tired. I wish I could sleep for a week. I am looking forward to Saturday when I can sleep at least until 6am.
I am always the happy one, the one who is full of energy and for lack of a better word, perky. Does anyone know how tiring that is? When do I get to be the depressed one? The angry one? The sad one? Why do my feelings at that level not count? Would anyone even listen to what I have to say? Would anyone take me seriously?
Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a voice, that I cannot be heard, and even if someone hears me, they don’t listen to me and what I have to say doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter, I am a non-entity, if I were to disappear off the face of the planet tomorrow no one would even miss me. That is the fear isn’t it; if I am gone no one will really notice. Perhaps that is the reason for this blog, to make my voice heard, so that if I am gone perhaps someone will say where did Angie go? I miss her writing here.
I sometimes wonder if I make a difference, that is another thing we all want, we want to know that we make a difference in the lives we touch. I don’t think I do, part of me would love to be able to quit my job and traipse off and find myself in the jungle, join Peace Corps, do something meaningful. I know what everyone is thinking, didn’t you raise children? Wasn’t that meaningful? Well yes, but they are grown now, and I feel adrift without them. On the one hand I miss feeling needed, on the other I would love to be taken care of. Quite the conundrum.

4 Replies to “Discombobulated”

  1. Well phooey. Sorry about the discombobulatedness and related stuff. I know *I* missed you when I logged into work this morning and you were not there.
    .
    If you need to talk, call me!

  2. If you were here I would take care of you. And I certainly would notice if you were gone. I gotta have my favorite, crazy aunt.

  3. i think the people who watched the girls next door like hef a little more. i feel bad for them as well. stupid girl just used him, holly was right!

    btw you will be missed. i love you mom!

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