I have lost my fearlessness. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I came to that realization recently. It was when I drove into a near empty parking lot and thought, wouldn’t this be perfect for doing donuts in. then it hit me that there was no way I was going to do that. I had a modicum of fear. When I was younger I would not have hesitated, does anyone remember the parking lot at the Safeway and TG&Y in Owasso? That parking lot was perfect for doing donuts in, especially in the winter when it was snowy. I remember it so well, the out of control feeling, the pure freedom from conventional society. That you were somehow doing something that was forbidden. I don’t even know, is that illegal?
When did I become scared of something so simple? I have always been afraid of two things, one a healthy fear of water, lake water to be exact, I am convinced there are water moccasins in every lake as well as alligators. Yes I believe there are alligators in the lakes in Oklahoma, you know people bought them as pets then flushed them down the toilet. They are everywhere! Along with snakes, I refuse to go into any lake.
The other thing is heights, I love going skiing but I hate going on the ski lift, I scream mommy all the way up, then when I get to the top I refuse to go back down. It is inevitable that the ski patrol is coming to get me. Then I go down the mountain riding behind a really cute boy on a snowmobile and I get hot chocolate at the end of the ride. Really not a bad deal at all.
Those things I have always been fearful of, nothing else, until recently, when did I lose my bravado? Is it only a youthful happening? This fearlessness? I miss it, I don’t know when it left me, but I find I miss it. I see a parking lot that would be perfect for donuts and I miss my fearlessness. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am still not afraid of almost anything, the only things I seem to fear now are the things that could physically harm me. I still like to drive fast, I dread the day I lose that joy, and it does give me joy, to open the throttle on the highway, let loose and just drive. My dream is to travel to Germany and drive on the autobahn, I could finally go as fast as I wanted with no fear of speeding tickets. I hope I get to do it before all of my fearlessness leaves me.

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