Fears

Since Halloween is I thought I would take a moment and share what really scares me, no it is not goblins, ghosts or anything else that goes bump in the night. Those things would be a welcome change to the reality of my life. No what really and truly scares me the most is losing my hair. I don’t want to be a bald wrinkled woman. I know that is considered to be vain and vapid by most, but truly, the most horrible things that could happen to me have already happened.
This month marked the first anniversary of one of my best friends death and also the 27th anniversary of my sons death. Some years are worse than others, this year has been bad, probably due to outside influences, but I miss Michael so much this year. Not being able to go and put flowers on his grave has been particularly hard on me.
I don’t fear death, I don’t fear dying alone, like so many people do, I have always known that I would die alone, I have spent the majority of my life alone, I have always known the end of my life would be no different. Really when you think about it, dying alone is preferable, when you die your body does strange things. Better for that to happen where no one can witness it, that way it wont be their last memory of you.
Michael, I love you, I miss you so much, there has never been a day that you have not been in my thoughts and in my heart.I wonder which one of your siblings you would be the most like. I wonder what you would have looked like at all of their ages, I wonder what it would have been like raising all of you, together. I know that your grandparents and great grandparents are with you and looking out for you until I can do that again. Love, Mom

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