Jello World

Last night I had a dream about Sandi, only I don’t think it was a dream. My family has a history of seeing people who have crossed over in their dreams. Anyway, she asked me how the first Mary Kay meeting went without her. I told her I had not gone, granted it was a conference call, but they hold these things after I am asleep, she was not happy with me. She was infamous for her CTJ’s, for those of you not from the south that is a Come to Jesus Meetin’, well, I got one. She told me she was disappointed with me, that I needed to support my sister consultants. She is right of course. But it is just so hard. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time with this. There are days, and this is one of them that I feel as if I am surrounded by jello, everything moves in slow motion, I can’t stop crying, this morning was particularly bad. Makeup ruined for work, but no one sits by me anyway so I guess that is ok.
Without Sandi I am the odd man out, I feel as if I am on the outside looking in on all of my Mary Kay unit members. Not that I feel unwelcome, just an outsider. I just want this to end; I want to be normal for me again. Oh I smile, make jokes, deal with a twelve year old that hates me, but on the inside, I can’t stop. In the infamous words of Gary L Carter, Good Gawd Amighty, enough. But the thing is I don’t know how to break this. Coming to work and talking to people who just have problems with email or can’t type their own names correctly is becoming increasingly difficult as I want to tell them, you don’t have real problems.
This past August when Sandi and I were at seminar together she told me she wanted to host my wedding shower. Now that will never happen and the thought of having one just makes me cry. Of course it is a moo point, yes, moo, like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter, due to no one else has offered. So that is a blessing. I don’t even know if I could deal with having one without her there.
I know I am morose these days and blame no one for not reading me; perhaps eventually I will get back to some semblance of normalcy for me. We all know I am not the definition of normal on a good day. But perhaps I will be Angie again.

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